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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

To Know Me is to...What?

Risk drawing back a nub, maybe. That's what someone who reads me on another site did. Draw back a nub, I mean. And all for the sin of being enthusiastic about my writing. One of the reasons I write is to be known through my words. And yet, when a Hannah Fan said, "Hey, I know you, and guess what, I like you," I sent a flip comment in response. It was "supposed" to be a joke, but after HF called me on it, I could see that the unmistakable underlying message was, "Back off, Jack." Why in the world would anyone like me? Clearly, if someone sees good in me, particularly on short (or no) acquaintance, there's something wrong with them.

It reminds me of a friend's daughter, who at three would beg, "Chase me, chase me," until someone took her up on it, when she would scream in real terror and hide behind one of her parents. Cute in a toddler, not so cute in a so-called grown-up. I invited comment, but when I got it, felt threatened and lashed out. Easy to say that "It's not you, it's me," but I'm not the one with virtual blood dripping from my hand.

Add this to my list of thing to work on--getting rid of behaviors and defenses that don't serve me. Or anyone else, for that matter. Maybe I need to re-think what I'm doing here, and about the information I share here and in other writing formats.

And, T, I truly am sorry.


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